Never Have I Ever
by OurLittleSecretOkay
Summary: In which kids are kids, boys will be boys, and Sunny Baudelaire has the patience for none of it


"Bullshit! I'm calling bullshit." Duncan shook his head.

Violet shrugged, "What? It's true!"

"Just because it's true doesn't mean it's fair!"

"I'm with Duncan," Isadora nodded solemnly.

"Fine, we'll put it to a vote." Klaus pushed up his glasses, looking around the circle. "Everyone who thinks 'Never have I ever been a triplet' is a perfectly legal play, raise your hand." All three Baudelaires raised their hands, faces completely serious.

"No! No, you cannot-"

Isadora slapped her hand over her brother's mouth. "Fine. Never have I ever narrowly avoided marrying coach Genghis."

Shuddering, Violet put a finger down as Duncan slowly clapped.

"Never have I ever been the oldest child."

"Now you're just bullying me!"

"Fair is fair, Violet. Fair is fair."

Groaning, she put down another finger.

"Gabo!" Sunny shouted, which meant something along the lines of "Never have I ever attended school as anything other than a secretary." Everyone put a finger down.

"Never have I ever been a poet." Dramatically turning towards Isadora, Klaus smiled smugly.

"Okay, okay. Never have I ever…" screwing her face up in thought, Isadora sighed, "uhhhh… kissed a boy."

There was a moment of silence and then Duncan put a finger down.

"This is fratricide."

"This is war," Isadora shook her head. "Everything's fair."

Realizing he had been staring, Klaus looked away, a faint pink to his face.

"Well, so long as we're forsaking the sacred bond of family," Duncan sighed, glancing around the room solemnly, "never have I ever left my embarrassing love poems sitting out for just anyone to read."

"I don't have to put a finger down if it's not embarrassing, so nice waste of a turn."

"Ooh! I have one! Never have I ever been Bar Mitzvah." Violet pointed at Duncan.

"Never have I ever been Bat Mitzvah!" He shrugged as Isadora put another finger down.

Groaning, Violet reached for the cup in the middle of circle. "Okay, that was my mistake." As she took a sip, she made a face, cringing. "It tastes like dirt."

"My contribution was dirt water," Klaus raised his hand.

"Was it really?"

"No."

"Those might be coffee grounds," Duncan piped up.

"Paw," Sunny shrieked, which meant something along the lines of "Keep laughing, you only have one finger left."

"Never have I ever had two sisters."

"Never have I ever been a journalist."

Taking the cup from Violet's hand, Duncan took a drink, shaking his head. "Definitely coffee grounds."

"Isadora only has one finger left."

"Thanks for the shout-out, Klaus." Turning to him, Isadora cocked her head. "Hey, by the way, never have I ever worn glasses."

Sighing, he put a finger down. "That was fair. I deserved that."

"I got this," holding a hand up, Violet leaned in, "never have I ever written a poem about a boy."

Pursing her lips, Isadora made a little show of not putting a finger down. "Violet. Have you learned nothing from Duncan's mistakes?"

"Never have I ever… Kissed a girl?" Speaking slowly, Klaus cocked an eyebrow.

All five kids looked around as no one moved.

"Wait, wait-" signaling for a time-out, Duncan looked around the circle in disbelief. "Am I the only one who's been kissed?"

"Nada!" shouted Sunny, which meant "Don't look at me!"

"Violet?"

"When exactly am I supposed to find the time to kiss people?" She shifted uncomfortably, very much not wanting to meet anyone's eyes.

"I'm with Violet," Isadora nodded.

"Yeah, but you're, what? Fifteen?"

"She's fourteen," Isadora corrected him.

"So what I'm hearing… is that I am the most attractive person here?" Raising his eyebrows, Duncan looked around in glee. Immediately, Violet and Isadora broke out into protests.

Sighing, Klaus looked at Sunny with a shrug as the other three tried to speak over one another.

"Listen, listen," Duncan tried to shush the girls, "I cannot help it if I am the prettiest student at Prufrock!"

"Taps," Sunny shouted, which meant something like "Don't let Carmalita hear you."

"Sunny's right," Klaus pointed at his younger sister knowingly.

"But am I wrong?"

"Doesn't matter if it's true if it ends with another private dance recital."

"But it is true? Aren't I the most attractive?"

Flustered, Klaus took off his glasses so he'd have an excuse not to look at anyone. "Well, from a research standpoint, it's a difficult question. We'd have to create some sort of control situation in order to better compare-"

"So basically, I am by default not only the most attractive, but also the best kisser of the group?"

"Never have I ever been so insufferable," Isadora groaned.

"Not true. Doesn't count." He waved her off, shaking his head. "Never have I ever seen such a group of cowards."

"Daggon," Sunny sighed, a word which here meant "Yes, you are all teenagers, congratulations. Can we move on now?"

"We need more mystery juice," Isadora stood, the metal of her shoes clicking on the floor. "Girls' turn to mix. Come on," she lifted Sunny, "let's get diabolical."

"Don't get too cocky," Duncan called as they closed the door, "I'd hate for you to get sick."

With a roll of her eyes, Violet followed.

"Do you think they'll actually put dirt in?"

"God, I hope not," Klaus made a gagging sound. "But I wouldn't put anything past them."

"Girls, man," Duncan shook his head. "What the hell."

"Yeah. So," Klaus coughed. "You, uh, you kiss boys?"

"A boy. Just the one. But we kissed a few times."

"Here?"

"Like, here here?" Duncan pointed at the ground.

"No! No. At Prufrock."

"No, before Prufrock." He shifted so they could better face each other. "Is that… Not okay?"

"No! I mean, yes! It's okay, it's," fixing his glasses again, Klaus cleared his throat. "It's cool. It's very cool. Not in a creepy way, though, I'm not saying that, like, it's a thing where I'm like, that's very cool, it's just… That's cool." Klaus stared at the wall, hoped the yellow light hid just how red he was.

"You think it's cool?" Duncan smiled, warm amusement bubbling up inside him.

"Oh yeah, you're- It's super cool. I mean, if that's the type of thing that… Yeah, it's cool." Closing his eyes, he wondered if the girls would bring back a glass large enough for him to drown himself in.

"Klaus."

"Yes?" When he turned to look, Duncan was much closer than he remembered. His stomach flipped, bones chattering.

"Do you… like to kiss boys?"

"Boys? I'm not- I mean- Empirically speaking-"

"Let me rephrase. Are there any boys here that you want to kiss?"

"Here? Or," pausing, he tried to breathe, told himself not to stare at Duncan's lips, " _here_ here?"

Smiling mischievously, Duncan leaned in.

When their lips touched, it was all awkward stiffness. Panicking, Klaus tried to remember everything he had ever read about kissing. He was supposed to put his tongue somewhere, wasn't he? And when was the last time he had put on chapstick? Lips still pursed tight, he tried to figure out where to place his hands.

Beating him to the punch, Duncan leaned forward, nervously putting a hand on his cheek. He was so goddamn warm, so unbelievably soft. Pausing, Duncan pulled back. Klaus swallowed. Had his eyes always been so brown?

Klaus' glasses were crooked. Duncan smiled; it was cute. Very cute. Extremely, painfully, adorably cute. Not wanting to get his hopes up, he took a beat.

"Is… Was that okay, or… Sorry."

"No," Klaus shook his head, "it was very okay, that was… super okay… of you…"

Giddy again, Duncan smiled. God, he was so cute. How was he so cute?

"Can I… Can I do it again?"

"Yes! Er," Klaus cleared his throat, lowering his voice, "yes. But also, I'm sorry, but I'm new and… Where should I put my hands?"

"Oh," looking down, Duncan paused. "I'm not sure. My waist? Or is that dancing?"

"I thought you were the kissing expert?"

"That says more about all of you than me."

"Okay, well… Why don't we try- Is this okay?"

"Yeah," Duncan swallowed as Klaus placed a cupped hand on his side, "that's super okay."

"Alright, cool. Nice. So should we…?"

"Oh, yeah, totally," trying to play it suave, he leaned in again, closing his eyes. This time, he tried moving his lips, loosening up. This was fine. There was no need to be nervous. Yes, the boy he was kissing was extremely cute, but that was no reason for the iced anxiety inside him, making him shiver like he was left out in the rain.

"Are you cold?" Klaus pulled back, eyes wide in concern. He could feel his blush shoot up his face. God, why was he acting like such a dork?

"I'm fine! I'm fine."

"Here," Klaus started pulling his overly large sweater over his head.

"No, you don't have to! You-" his mouth went dry as the sweater lifted Klaus' shirt a bit, showing off a sliver of his stomach. He swallowed hard, flustered.

"No, I insist!" Smiling a wonderfully lopsided smile, Klaus held out the sweater. His hair was mussed, static making it stand up. Gingerly, he took the sweater, pulling it on. God, he even smelled good.

"Thanks," Duncan pulled the sweater down, a beautiful flush toning his freckles.

"It's not a problem. It's fine. Hey, uh…" Klaus paused, trying to find a subtle way to say it, "Can we kiss some more?"

"Definitely," cupping his face again, Duncan pulled Klaus towards himself. Putting a hand on his knee to balance, Klaus leaned in, very much overwhelmed by how nice he looked in that sweater. More relaxed, he tried to move his jaw as well, didn't want Duncan to think he was a bad kisser. Oh god, was he a bad kisser? How would he even know? And how long could he keep his hands in one place?

Pulling back for a quick breath, Duncan wrapped his arms behind his neck, their noses smushing against one another's cheeks. It wasn't a sensation he ever would have guessed to be so nice, but it was second only to the way their lips fit together. Moving his hands back to Duncan's waist, he told himself not to over-do it. The last thing he wanted was for this to stop.

"Shit," Duncan laughed, pulling back for air, "I guess I'm not the best kisser after all."

"Yeah?" Klaus smiled. "Was that- Is that okay?"

"Super cool. Super cool of you," he teased, still giggling.

"Don't make fun of me!"

"No! It's cute! It's…" pausing, he bit his lip, suddenly nervous all over again. "It's cute."

"Oh," looking down, Klaus tried to hide his smile. "Okay. You're… You're pretty cute too. And just for the record, you are _definitely_ the prettiest one in the group."

Laughing, Duncan pulled him back to himself, kissing him once more. "You're smooth, Baudelaire. Damn smooth."

"Yeah? Really?"

"And you don't even know! That makes it so much better!"

Laughing, Klaus held onto him, arms wrapped behind him, baling the sweater in his fists as their teeth clicked together, both of them laughing through the kiss.

Duncan's knees dug into Klaus' sides as he leaned in, both of them clinging to one another like if they didn't let go, the moment might last forever.

"Sorry we took so long," Isadora opened the door, nearly half an hour having passed since the girls first left. "We were scrounging up a secret ingredient that-" She stopped, causing Violet to bump into her as they stared at the two boys laying side by side on the floor. Scrambling up, Klaus put his glasses back on.

"It isn't what it looks like! Right? We were just…" At a loss, he stared at Duncan frantically, hoping he might have an excuse.

"Making out." Shrugging, Duncan lay his head back down on his hands.

Horrified, Klaus stared at him, a look of utter betrayal on his face as Violet laughed. Sitting down, she placed the freshly mixed concoction on the floor with a sigh.

"Yeah, okay. Um, never have I ever made out with my friend's brother "

Isadora giggled, covering her face with her hands as Duncan proudly put a finger down.


End file.
